It was cold this morning. Like, legitimately cold. It dipped below freezing last night and at 6:30am with the sun barely peeking over the eastern horizon, I realized at about halfway through my walk that I didn’t bundle up quite enough. I’ve lived in colder than this, but over the past decade my blood has definetly thinned. The hoodie and pajama pants of my morning routine are going to need a thicker upgrade.
I spend alot of my walk doing two things. First, I work on waking up and shaking off weird dreams and loosening up limbs. Second, I plan through my day, which often leads to planning the next couple days until I pretty much have the whole month figured out. Menus, laundry days, school work, projects around the house; all of it. Then I briskly walk up the front steps at the end of my stroll, ready to rock out some breakfast and promptly forget all that I had planned. I forget calls I had to make, what the lesson was for the morning, and even what needed to be prepped for dinner. All that planning…
Lately, I’ve been trying to focus on something different on these walks. The present. Not my plans for the day, week or month. Not how good/bad/ my night was or whether I was a good/bad parent yesterday, but right now. It’s what many historical spiritual teachers focused on. It’s something that holds back worry, lets off regret, and keeps you grounded. Yes, it’s still important to set aside the time to plan some things out like the menu and shopping list for the week (especially in our case when the nearest grocery store is 20 miles away) but I don’t want to obsess about it. I want to be a little more purposeful with how I use the time in my day, careful not to fill it up too much, since that brings on its own set of problems. Just letting my mind settle and fully enjoy the things that are going on right here. Right now.
Most of this is coming from recent thoughts about our future. We’re still headed into uncharted waters: the cabin has been a great new adventure, but it is temporary. We’re here until the spring but then… what’s next? Lanna got back from a business trip a couple nights ago and we wound ourselves up about what the next step is going to be. Although it’s important to plan we found ourselves moving beyond any healthy planning into worry pretty quickly. Finally, after basically covering everything from living in an RV to buying land in Siberia, we realized that this was pointless and went to bed. Yes, we need to keep the future possibilities in mind, but is it really worth freaking out about something that’s at least seven months away? Who knows what are life will even be like, what new places might open themselves up, or if the neighbor might just let us borrow his unused RV?
So, I’m just going to sit on it. I’m going to be here at the kitchen table, watching Kai figure out his math and Aven organize his Lego. I’m going to be here in the woods and soak up quiet (and cold) mornings with the smell of pines lingering in the air. I’m going to be here with my family, enjoying the fires, the marshmellows, a good meal, and not plan. Not worry. It’ll all happen how it needs to happen. For now, I’m here.